T’was the Last Tip Before Christmas
T’WAS THE LAST TIP BEFORE CHRISTMAS, WHEN ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE,
SOME CREATURES WERE STIRRING (MAYBE A MOUSE?)
THE FRUIT FLY TRAPS WERE SET BY THE FRUIT BOWL WITH CARE,
IN HOPES THAT THE FRUIT FLIES SOON WOULDN’T BE THERE.
THE MOUSE BAIT WAS PLACED, JUST STRATEGICALLY SO,
TO ENSURE THE MICE NESTING ALL WOULD GO,
WE WANT THEM ALL TO HEAD BACK OUT INTO THE SNOW!
HOUSEPLANTS WERE ALL NESTLED INTO BED
WITH ALL SEASONS OIL TREATMENT (NO SCALE OR MEALYBUGS TO DREAD!)
WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, IN THE CUPBOARD I HEAR A FLITTER FLATTER
AND I WITH MY PANTRY PEST TRAP SPRANG TO THE KITCHEN TO SEE WHAT WAS THE MATTER
WHAT WAS THAT RUSTLING OUT IN THE SNOW
IT WAS THOSE DEER EATING MY ARBORVITAE
THAT’S WHY THEY NEVER GROW!
OUT THE DOOR, I FLEW LIKE A FLASH
TO QUICKLY APPLY MY DEER SCRAM IN A DASH
THE MOON ON THE BREAST OF THE NEW-FALLEN SNOW,
GAVE THE LUSTER OF TUNNELS FROM MOLES AND VOLES BELOW
WITH A LITTLE RED BAG OF MOLE & VOLE REPELLENT I RAN
TO APPLY THAT MINTY SMELL THAT CRITTERS CAN’T STAND
AND THEN WITH A HAMMERING, I HEARD ON THE ROOF,
A WOODPECKER USING HIS BEAK LIKE A TOOTH
TO GET MY REFLECTOR TAPE, I TURNED AROUND
AND UP THE LADDER, I WENT WITH A BOUND
NOW, WHAT WAS THAT AGAIN, THOSE PESKY OLD DEER
“NOW ELAINE, NOW DARLENE, NOW RYAN, BILL, WILL, AND JASON!
TO THE EDGE OF THE GARDEN! TO OVER THE STONE WALL!
NOW DASH AWAY! DASH AWAY! DASH AWAY ALL!
TWAS A GREAT 2019 WITH ALL OF MY FELLOW EMPLOYEES AND CUSTOMERS
WE CAME UP WITH MANY SOLUTIONS AND DID LOTS OF WORK,
TOOK LOTS OF BUG SAMPLES (THEY REALLY ARE SUCK JERKS!)
YOU PICKED UP LOTS, FROM FERTILIZER TO PRUNERS, TO MAYBE EVEN A HOSE
DON’T FORGET TO PLEASE JOIN US NEXT YEAR (TO PICK OUT THAT PERFECT ROSE)
FOR NOW, I SPRING TO MY LITTLE RED ELEMENT AND TO MY VAN WILGEN’S TEAM GIVE A WHISTLE
AS I DRIVE OUT OF SIGHT, THEY’RE SO RELIEVED THEY DODGED A KISS UNDER THE MISTLE (TOE)
BUT THEY HEARD ME EXCLAIM, AS I DROVE OUT OF SIGHT,
“MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!”
